Just saw Oppenheimer at the theater on IMAX. It is perhaps one of the best movies I’ve ever seen. So lucky to have gotten to an extended showing since I missed it in July. Great movies take you to another world that you never quite leave. I want to watch it again and again.
I felt this extremely vivid emotion I never experience as an adult. It was like euphoria.
Seeing the doll close up like it was to simply be appreciated. But then it suddenly changes and Iβve never seen that before in my life.
I literally screamed WHOA !
And stopped the video to take in the euphoria I just felt and pondered why the emotions we experienced as children are so hard to get back.
I think if people knew that my ideal hamburger would consist of sesame seed bun, blue cheese, mushrooms, cilantro, charcoal broiled beef, fried red onions, thin lettuce, and Monterey jack cheese,
I think they would lock me up at an insane asylum.
I made a tiny sandwich as a midnight snack and all it was was 2 slices of toast with 1 thin slice of ham with a giant mound of blue cheese on top and put in a microwave. I had no milk and thought of getting the heavy cream and putting ice cubes in it
( I always get this urge to drink milk at 1am and ice cubes render milk into a delicious drink unlike any other to me ) ,
But due to shortages all there was was 7up.
I have been completely alone and isolated for so many dozens of days and nights that I cannot comprehend if Iβm lonely anymore. I havenβt gotten used to it for I never will , so instead i think emotional survival mode just is permanently flipped on. Like the photo of a breaker switch being forced to not shut off even during emergency. β
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I havent left for any reason other than work or cigarettes with my car having been broken down for β of an entire year. It is not the catalyst of this hell malaise, but it is the current antagonizer. Even if I had a car, would it bring happiness ? I have no reason to leave anymore. The only person who I wanted to experience life with has abandoned me and Iβve been to every woods, every park, most cemeteries, bookstores, thrift stores, everything in this town that has interested me I have done . Almost all of it alone my whole life except the brief gasps of air that were people who cared enough to experience it with me. Often romantic as I used to somehow cobble those interpersonal roles together. Now not even the nightwalkers at the cat-houses would look my way. Like a Frankensteinβs monster. But Frankenstein'ing myself together with proverbial duct tape is what it took to stay alive in such a sorry state this past 7 years. I always loved driving and feeling free. Now I canβt see it anymore. I wonder why. I still keep thinking about the summer when I was going back and forth over and over again to her house hoping she would answer. It was so surreal when I look back. This extremely specific chapter of my life that drove me crazy. I wonder if those days were so upsetting that my brain wants to hide from anything resembling what happened. Perhaps Permanently ruined until further notice. I miss writing poems in the moonlight and smoking and running until I could see my ribs again. I havenβt written a poem in 4 months. And it will be cold and quiet again tonight.
